What friends are made for.

Friends are meant to shatter your heart.

No honestly. Have you had a friend and "broke up" with them? If not - lucky you.

Friendships breaking apart is some of the most painful ways to lose someone.

In a normal relationship, like love and all, you are kind of aware that maybe it won't last. But have you ever had this thought with your best friends?

You didn't. Because friendship is an even deeper bond. Friends choose each other by having the same characteristics, opinions, tastes or even hobbies. Or at least the closest ones. People rarely have friends with complete opposite views of life.

Friends are here to highlight boundaries you can't see yourself. They are meant to be honest, without you being utterly mad at them. Or if, then only for a few minutes. Friends know you better than your partner does, they are choosing all your bad habits and red flags. While with partners, you try to find compromises. You try to change your bad habits so they don't get mad at you for doing something they don't like. Friends don't do that, they take you as you are.

I had one of them. We met at the age of thirteen, through a mutual friend. We connected really fast, and somehow, we grew so close there was no single day without texting each other.

We knew every detail, every minute and every f*cked up day of each other. Life was passing by, we went through teenage heartbreaks, death, traumas and all the stuff you could imagine.

Thinking back I love to remember all the times he had been putting up with me. Holy sh*t I was such an exhausting person when I was younger. But still, he stood by my side. He screamed at me at the right moments, I got mad. Of course I did, the little rage girl I was.

For twelve years, we were nearly inseparable. I still have some postcards from back then. We used to send them home from holidays with our families. There was never a holiday where I did not buy a postcard, so I could send him one.

He was my person. I still know his childhood adress to this day.

But as we grew up, life getting more serious and boring, something changed. I went through a breakup, he was there - of course he was. We were closer than ever, spent every wednesday evening watching champions league in my apartment. The bond grew, and so did his feelings.

There was this trip to barcelona, where I believe we crossed a border. Not in any physical or emotional way, but for the sake of our friendship.

Weeks later, he was nervously telling me we needed to talk. So we did.

The last thing I ever said to him was "well then, this means we'll never see us again". And so it was.

Back then I was struggling with panic attacks. I remember I was not able to breathe for a whole hour after he left. My heart stopped beating. I knew I lost the one person I loved the most. But not love in the same way as he wanted me to.

This was the last time I talked to him. I regret every second of this day.

Years later, I ran into him. I was completely overwhelmed, didn't even say hello. That bothered me a long time. I gathered all my courage and started writing a paragraph. Saying sorry about everything I did, telling him I was not able to forget and hoping he did forgive me. Clicked on send. Not being aware that he'll break my heart into pieces once more.

All he said was he'd already forgotten and was not thinking about me at all. I did not until today. It's been 4 years.